Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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