drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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