Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
