Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
There's even glitter on my cock...
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