Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
