OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
