Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
