You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
