life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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