Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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