Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
