My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
