I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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