i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
