He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
