I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
