Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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