Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
