Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
