just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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