areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
