I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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