i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
