If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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