My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
