I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
