You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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