There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
