made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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