I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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