I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
