Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
