I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
