Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
