mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm like, not good at living.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
