I skipped work to stalk him.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
