direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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