Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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