I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
