drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
