is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
