I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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