Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
