I wish my penis had an off switch
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
