Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
