sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
