I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
