I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
