I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I could make wine with my vomit
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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