I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
