i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So squirting runs in the family.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
