butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I just sharted jello shots
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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